Friday, May 6, 2011

Why I Am the Way I Am

I was hanging upside down by my knees from the crossbar on the swingset when it happened. My sister was sitting in one swing laughing while I pushed the other one back and forth with my hands. In a moment of utter clarity, an epiphany I think it was, I imagined how cool and funny it would be if I did a handstand on the swing as it swayed to and fro.

So I straightened my legs. For a millisecond all my weight rested on my hands as the swing came forward. By some arcane operation of physics, my weight shifted backward and then gravity came into play. I overcorrected: a common mistake when dealing with the results of physics. That explains my landing on my face.

The grass softened the force of my landing but not enough to keep from knocking the wind out of me. I raised my head woozily and the swing struck me in the back of the head.

You might think at this point that my sister would give a shriek of dismay and rush to my side. That you might think so demonstrates your utter lack of familiarity with this family. She was actually laughing harder than before. I raised my hand to my head to check for blood and the swing, passing through again, dinged my fingers. My sister laughed even more uncontrollably and peed herself.

I swore revenge. What form did this revenge take, you wonder? That’s a story for another day; one involving the infamous “Vampire of Lexa.”

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