Friday, September 24, 2010

What's Lust Got to Do With It?

Well, quite a bit, actually. That's especially true, I think for all the first-born among us. So, yeah, some of you might not be reading this, if lust had nothing to do with it.

Gross, huh?

But, hey that's how the world got populated and families get started, cause like the
song says: "A guy's only doin' it for some doll." And vice-versa, ladies.

The down side? Well we seem most susceptible when we're just starting out and least able to handle it well. Like an underage driver in a really fast car, lust can leave you
upside-down in a ditch somewhere with the flames getting dangerously close to the gas tank.

Doesn't mean it can't get out from under you as you get older. You just pray to have enough sense to keep it at home.

The whole point is this: if you're blessed to be able to lust after your sweetie after all these years, you are truly blessed.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What's Love Got to Do With It?

So one of my Facebook peeps is doing the PDA with the love of his life (so far) there
on the World Wide Web and I'm thinking: "Ah yeah, I remember that. That was so me way back when." But I'm also thinking at the same time (which proves that I CAN think about two things at once, tho maybe not coherently): "Wow, love was easy back then, what happened? Whatever became of that (those) girl(s) I thought I would love forever?"

Being wrong about being in love with someone may be the least fun thing(s) (so I was in love with being in love, ya know?) I ever did, so this might be important stuff to know. The upside (for me, if not for you) is that, at my age, I'm not likely to have this happen anymore. I defininitely AM NOT making any plans in that direction.

To get back to the original question, maybe LIFE gets in the way of love. When you each are living at mom and dad's house, little things like THE RENT, and THE CAR NOTE, and (worst of all!!!) THE JOB don't figure into the equation. Matter of fact, as I recall (which isn't total, by the way) if you don't let your eyes stray, love under these circumstances is child's play.

HMMM. I may have something there.

What I'm saying (in the most roundabout way possible) is that love is an awful lot of WORK. It's a lot of responsibilty. This whole other person is counting on you. Wow!

I don't know, is it really worth it? You'll have to answer that one for yourself, all I'm saying is: It's worth at least some thought. Right?

Friday, September 10, 2010

National "Annoy Your Spouse Day"

Face it; if you're married, you're already engaged in annoying your spouse. A national holiday with a paid day off (I think a Friday would be nice) is the logical
next step.

I can hear some of you objecting (ya bunch of Goody-Two-Shoes): I never annoy my
spouse, we have a wonderful relationship. Right.

Trust me, you ANNOY the pee-waddly-dee out of your spouse. Especially you men. Why, guys, just the fact that you are male irritates the fire out of your wife. Honestly, if someone told little girls about what rotters we men really are, they wouldn't have all this romantic clap-trap rattling around in their little heads about 'Prince Charming' and 'happy-ever-after' and all that other revolting junk. Think they'd marry you then, boy? I seriously doubt it.

As for you ladies. Honestly, we have to annoy you so we can stand to be around you. Not that we think you're being unreasonable in expecting us to indulge your whims. But to believe we should drop whatever extremely important activity we're involved in to cater to you instantly? Come, come. You must be joking.

It really is a wonder, isn't it, that any of us is able to remain married longer than a week or so. You wanna know how we do it? Every married person in America takes a perverse pleasure in annoying his/her spouse! Admit it! You know you do!!!

So let's declare a holiday. Let's openly and honestly indulge in what we should admit to be our national pastime. Just do it. You owe it to your marriage.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Snooty French V. Sensible English

It all started when I was thinking about John Calvin's name. Now I won't chase
all the convoluted twists and turns of a deranged mind to explain how I came to
be thinking of Calvin at all, except to say that I was reading something written by him.

You might remember that Calvin was a Frenchman born 401 years ago with the name
Jean Cauvin. Pretty snooty, huh? I mean you can just hear him forcing the words up
the back of his throat and out his nose the way they do, right?

So what happened was Jean got religion. What I mean to say is: the Protestant Reformation was just getting cranked up real good, and ole Jean became a Protestant.
Of course, he got chased out of France, it being Roman Catholic and all. He ended up in Switzerland.

Here comes the cool part: somehow (and I'm not sure how this came about) his name was changed to John Calvin!! Is that a really great English-sounding name or what?

The point is that once he changed his name, even though he was a shy, retiring,
bookish sort, he pretty much came to RUN Geneva and the Protestant church there and wrote who knows how many books and actually had this whole theology (mistakenly) named after him; all in spite of only living til he was fifty-five or six or so.

Which brings me (somehow) to the conclusion that the English are sensible people.
Of course, I'm talking about the PEOPLE, not their goofy government which is basically socialist. I mean let's be fair here; what would you be able to say good about Americans if you judged us by OUR government? See what I mean?

A great example of English sensibleness is their celebrity worship, which is the art and science of paying an inordinate amount of attention to famous people and their doings and a sad fact of modern life in the so-called Western world.

The English are mad about "The Royals." This includes the queen and her vast brood of kinfolk, though it is mostly the younger ones who cause all the fuss. These are REAL people, not manufactured ones like the movie and tv stars our entertainment biz cranks out over here and seem to fade in and out of the public eye using a literal version of Andy Warhol's "fifteen minute" time frame.

The Royals are a real English family with an extensive history. They've gone mad, engaged in love affairs, had their heads chopped off and other interesting things, all quite publicly and all while keeping a stiff upper lip. Can you imagine Paris Hilton facing the headsman's block?

The thing is: the English train these celebrities for the job. Over here, it's just have one hit record and "you're famous, son." No wonder our celebrities behave poorly in the spotlight, pitching tantrums and paparrazzi and all. It's too much pressure being famous. I couldn't do it. Could you?

So, to sum up: good job. John Calvin. You made the right choice!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Insanity Runs in the Family

Ever been around people who laugh at just about everything? Or everybody? We call those kinds of people "Tolars."
Tolars are guaranteed to be able to find the humor in ANY situation. We make fun of other people. We make fun of each other. Individual Tolars (having nothing better to do, I suppose) will make fun of themselves.
Tolars don't float on the ceiling when we laugh, but we do laugh so hard sometimes that we get light-headed and have to lie down. Some people say we're crazy.
Here's a quick test to tell if you really are insane or not: if you're in a roomful of Tolars and you're the only one laughing at your jokes, you might wanna get that checked out. If, however, you're laughing and the others are groaning and throwing stuff, you are not insane, but merely inane.
Someone once said that Tolars don't suffer fools gladly, but gladly cause fools to suffer.
Of course, you don't have to be named Tolar to be one. Tolar blood runs in the veins of many of you who don't carry the name. We have many honorary members as well,
and here's a quick test if you don't know if you are or not: Tolars GET IT.
No matter how obscure the reference or goshawful the play on words, someone in the room will guffaw and next thing you know, everybody's laughing and running into the next room to tell it to the ones who didn't hear it.
Don't feel bad if you're not one. We love you anyway, and besides, laughter is serious business. Not everybody can take the pressure. Poah souls, it's just more than they can bayuhh.

Thursday, September 2, 2010


"Harumph, gentlemen, harumph! We gotta save our phoney-baloney jobs!"

Harumphing, as this example from Blazing Saddles shows, is for politicians,
corporate heads and such like, but not for bloggers. Not for this one anyhow.
So if I've engaged in harumphing in the past, I apologize and promise to cut it out.

Blogs that are pretentious are boring. Ditto for blogs that are portentious. My purpose
here is to entertain (myself if no one else, more about that later) and amuse. If any
serious thought is provoked, you have only yourself to blame.

Stop Harumphing!!!!!!!